“I just someone to realise what was happening and to ask me…”

Trigger Warning: This article contains themes of domestic abuse and rape. If you are affected by anything in this story please follow the links for support.

A survivor has shared her story of domestic abuse, coercive control and fear.

She has shared her story to highlight the importance of looking out for the people around you. By checking in and asking questions, you could give someone the confidence they need to take the next steps.

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It started when I met someone aged 18. We exchanged numbers and things progressed quickly. Not long into our relationship he moved into my home, and I fell pregnant.

I was young and scared, but he made me feel like everything was going to be okay.

Three months into my pregnancy, things changed.

He was controlling, and he convinced me we had to do what was right for the baby.

I became isolated from my family and friends, and I was rarely allowed to see them. He convinced me to get rid of my car in order to save money, however it stripped me of my freedom. Eventually he took away my bank card, and he had complete financial control.

The physical violence didn’t start until I was six months pregnant. One night I received a blow so hard, it knocked me unconscious, and I couldn’t feel the baby move.

As I sat in the hospital being checked over, he explained to the nurses how I fell, and no one questioned it.

I sat there in hope that someone, anyone, would take me aside privately and ask me what had happened, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to lie.

By the time my baby arrived, I was completely isolated and stripped of my independence.

He drove a wedge between me, my family and my friends. My dad had a gut instinct about him and thought something was up, but he completely drove a wedge between us.

Things were getting worse. He would hit me, sexually assault me and rape me. He would fully restrict me from eating and as a result I became really unwell.

This was the point people started to notice, my mum made me go to the doctors and I was referred to get specialist testing at the hospital.

When my appointment came round, he looked after our child and a family member took me to the hospital. I was put to sleep for the tests and when I came round, I was given tea and toast.

To some tea and toast sounds like nothing, but that first taste of tea after being deprived for so long hit me. I nearly cried out of joy.

Noticing my behaviour, my auntie encouraged me to go to lunch with her. I was scared at the thought of this as I knew there would be repercussions, but she was persistent, so I switched my phone off and joined her.

It was at that moment, sat in a coffee shop, when she looked at me and said: “I know what’s going on.”

I broke down. I told her everything.

I wanted to tell someone; I knew I couldn’t lie but I just needed someone to ask me.

She had initially asked me, thinking I may have an eating disorder, as she had noticed something was wrong. Together we spoke about everything I was going through.

We made a plan to get me out of the relationship. It wasn’t easy, but I had support, and I got out.

But this isn’t where the story ends.

For the sake of our child, I agreed to allow him supervised visits. It wasn’t long until he manipulated his way back into our lives. I was a police officer with shift work, and I needed the support with childcare to continue working.

Whilst I never got back with him, he ensured I was still in fear of him. This went on for years.

He would question my every move, and question me if I changed my route to work. He would even mess around with childcare dates so I would miss shifts to hold that control over me.

There was one day when I had had enough, and I went to hand in my notice. My manager looked at me, and asked why, and I said due to childcare.

He didn’t accept this, he asked me again, and again.

Until I opened up and told him everything.

He reassured me and encouraged me to get support from the Emerald team we have here in Bedfordshire Police, where we pursued a criminal conviction.

From this point, I will be honest and say it didn’t get easier. I faced a number of challenges, from appealing and securing a charging decision. There were court delays and adjournments due to covid, and I was even encouraged to take the stand and be questioned, when I didn’t want to.

There were times where I was so close to giving up. Where it felt all too much.

However, the support I received from my manager and my case worker kept me going. They reassured me and guided me through the difficult process.

I never got the results I wanted in court, and he walked away not guilty.

But for me, I got closure.

He had to listen to what I was saying.

He could not shout louder than me.

He could not hurt me.

I could tell from looking at the jury that I was believed, and that was enough.

And most importantly, I am still here.

By sharing my story, I hope I can give at least one person the confidence to come forward. The journey isn’t easy, but you will be believed and there is support available.

There are people who will do everything to protect your corner.

For those who are worried about friends, family or colleagues, remember the power of checking in. If something is worrying you, or doesn’t seem right, then just ask. They may not respond straight away, but your care or your support may just be the nudge they need to open up and get help.

A few years later, I bumped into one of his friends at the time. It scared me as I didn’t know how he would react, but he came up to me and apologised. He apologised for never questioning his mate’s behaviour or the way he spoke to me.

For not noticing that when he came round, I was never allowed to be involved in the food plans, or I was never in the same room. But now is the time to start challenging behaviours, especially your mates.

If you were affected by this blog, remember there is support available.

Bedfordshire Police has a dedicated domestic abuse team – Emerald – who are always on hand to support.

If you are a victim of domestic abuse you can contact Signpost for Bedfordshire, which offers free and confidential support regardless if the crime was reported to the police.

There is a number of support organisations which you can contact by phone or online. Visit Bedfordshire Police’s website for full list. In an emergency always call 999.

Mental health crisis support for all ages is available 24 hours a day every day across Bedfordshire and Luton by contacting NHS 111 (option 2) or the Samaritans on 116 123 (freephone).

If you have concerns about your partner you might be eligible to ask the police about their past through the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, also known as Clare’s Law. Visit Bedfordshire Police’s website to read more and submit an application.

“When women support women, they can heal, empower, and give strength”

My name is Lila Begum and I am a survivor of child and forced marriage, as well as a survivor of domestic abuse.

I have been supporting Bedfordshire Police as a volunteer for nearly ten years, initially as member of the Independent Advisory Group and now on the Chief Constable panel.

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I have worked both professionally and voluntarily for over 20 years, supporting victims of domestic abuse, forced marriage and honour-based violence.

I am always ready to support anyone who seeks my help, even if it is in the middle of the night or early hours of the morning.

Having my rights to live as a child, access education and live life without fear, were all deprived from me.

I  also faced many discriminations because of my faith and ethnicity, including discrimination from my own community because of being bought up by a single parent.

It all hurt, but this did not stop me from helping others, it also helped me to survive.

I was very fortunate to have met many amazing women who gave me the inspiration and strength to live life and my mother was one of these amazing women. During her own personal hardship, she never ceased to help others and stood by those who faced injustice. She spoke for those during a time where women were not to be seen or heard.

My friend Carol who mentored me to ensure I reach my potential professionally, Glenis who looked after my children when I needed medical care after a horrific incident.

Debra from Nine Red, who I never met in person but helped at a time in my life where I needed practical help to keep me safe.

Delphi, Rehena and Clare who helped me be heard.

My manager Joella, who believed in me and made my workspace safe.

My best friends Nasima, Jay, Shamela and Fsella who wiped my tears and picked up the broken pieces, without them all life would’ve been hard.

When women support women, they can heal, empower, and give strength, like how these amazing women did to me.

#WomenSupportingWomen

#WomenEmpoweringWomen

16 Days of Action: Mother of domestic abuse victim shares her daughter’s story

Trigger Warning: This article contains themes of domestic abuse, suicide and depression. If you are affected by anything in this story please follow the links for support.

Tracy Watts shares a story of abuse and loss after her daughter Lisa took her own life in April 2019.

Lisa was a super strong, confident woman who loved her children more than anything. She was the type of person who would brighten up the room the moment she entered. When she was younger she was a tomboy and grew into a beautiful young woman. She was an amazing mum, before she met her abusive partner she had three children from her previous relationship, and they were the love of her life. She always put her children first and worked hard to provide for them and give them a good home.

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She was a hardworking person and everything she had she worked for herself. She always wanted to learn to drive and buy her own car. She and her children had a full and happy life, going on holidays twice a year. She had a vibrant social life and a group of close friends.

Lisa was very much a family person and we would often spend weekends together.

But everything changed when she started seeing a new man. 

We don’t know where he came from but it was almost like he appeared from nowhere and moved into her place straight away. He didn’t work. The two years they were together were very difficult with many ups and downs.

In that time, she went from an outgoing, happy and beautiful woman to a shadow of herself. Her mental health began declining the moment they met.  He made Lisa vulnerable, using the vulnerabilities to exploit and manipulate her and her life.

The signs were there. She began to distance herself from me, her family and friends and we saw less and less of her. I saw bruises on her body but she always had an excuse for them, she covered for him and didn’t admit the abuse.

He would call her names, slowly chipping away at her confidence, making her believe she was ugly and worthless.

With time the abuse began escalating from emotional manipulation to serious assaults resulting in injuries which would take her to hospital.

Even then she would cover for him and when police were at her home she asked them to turn their body worn cameras off.

After the birth of their daughter, his behaviour changed however that didn’t last long and the abuse continued.

Then she attended domestic abuse workshops at the Freedom Programme, she began to open her eyes about what was happening and better recognise abusive patterns.

After a while Lisa managed to gather enough courage and strength to break off their relationship. That was where the threats started. He would keep asking to see her even after she would say no to him numerous times.

He relentlessly messaged her and knew exactly what to say, lulled her into false sense of security by lying and making promises he never kept.

The final straw happened on 5 December 2018. Lisa agreed to meet with him, but he began accusing her of seeing other men and assaulted her at a local hotel in Bedford. This assault was well documented on CCTV and with multiple witnesses present. He was arrested and charged with the offences, but pleaded not guilty at court.

After that assault Lisa’s declining mental health as a result of the toxic relationship, led to a decision for her children to be taken away from her.

We will never know exactly what pushed her to taking her own life. All we know is that at the time she was suffering immensely due to being separated from her children and left messages about not being able to live without them. Her self-worth was extremely low due to the years of abuse. 

She took her own life just days before the original court date was scheduled.

After her death the case was postponed numerous times for various reasons but the police, and especially Detective Sergeant Darren Armitage, never gave up and were adamant to bring him to justice even after Lisa passed away. I cannot thank them enough, the support and professionalism of police officers involved in this case is something I will always praise.

The abuser maintained his innocence through all these years and made us go through the pain of the trial. He was found guilty by a jury of causing grievous bodily harm without intent and received a two-year suspended sentence on 1 October 2021.

Lisa’s death made a ripple effect across many organisations including the police who changed and reinforced their policies following the inquest and its findings, such as preventing contact between abusers in custody and prison and their victims.

Sometimes I ask myself what could I have done to change what happened, or if there is anything anyone could have done.

Lisa was a beautiful, strong woman and she is no longer with us. Our entire family has been torn apart by her passing. I have lost a beautiful daughter and my grandchildren lost their mum.

I want to share her story with hope that it will give enough strength to anyone experiencing abuse at the hands of their partners. You are worth more than that, you are important and you deserve to live your life without abuse.

The first step is the most difficult, if you are living in fear, under emotional or physical abuse, pick up the phone to organisations that support victims of domestic abuse and will help you make strategies to get out. Help from specialists and the police is available. It will take time and it won’t be easy, but I can promise you it will be worth it.

I want to bring up my grandchildren to be strong and teach them that if a person really loves you they will never hurt you. Most importantly they would never ask you to lie for them to your family, friends or police. And that’s also a message I want to pass to anyone who is reading my story.

I hope our story will help anyone out there who is struggling with abuse or mental health issues and if it saves even one person it will be a legacy which Lisa would be immensely proud of.

If you were affected by Tracy’s story, remember there is support available.

Mental health crisis support for all ages is available 24 hours a day every day across Bedfordshire and Luton by contacting NHS 111 (option 2) or the Samaritans on 116 123 (freephone).

If you are a victim of domestic abuse you can contact Signpost for Bedfordshire, which offers free and confidential support regardless if the crime was reported to the police.

There is a number of support organisations which you can contact by phone or online. Visit Bedfordshire Police’s website for full list https://www.bedfordshire.police.uk/information-and-services/Crime/Domestic-abuse/Domestic-abuse

If you have concerns about your partner you might be eligible to ask the police about their past through the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, also known as Clare’s Law. Visit Bedfordshire Police’s website to read more and submit an application – https://www.bedfordshire.police.uk/apply/Clares-Law/Clares-law-Disclosure-Scheme.

If you are having thoughts about harming yourself do not suffer in silence contact Samaritans for free on 116 123. In emergency call 999 or go to the nearest A&E department.